Enlightened

I feel so lonely; much realization came up in my mind. When you have been hurt a lot of times and suffered a lot of heart aches, you will just grow tired. Even though how strong your love for that person, it just changes when you will realize that the love and all your sacrifices were not well appreciated and reciprocated. 

It is a wonderful feeling when you dream of a happy future together. But it was equally a very painful feeling when you are just a few steps away from that dream, you will just realize that it wasn't all you wanted. It's not that you are looking or aiming for more. it's just that you are enlightened and it's just now that you had opened your eyes and got a clearer view of reality. Yes, I love her and I dreamed my future with her. But could I expect to be happy when all of a sudden you were bang with a reality that you are not everything for her. You are just a part of what she really wanted. Nothing was really a big deal if you are present in her life. All she just wants is her dream, her happiness and just her self.

How could you enjoy the moment with her, if all that was in her mind was maybe your faults, your mistakes and your shortcomings. How could you feel happy when all you hear were just complaints, painful words and rejection. Yes, she tells you a lot of times that she loves you but how could you believe it if all she do was to hurt you and put you down. You sometimes think that she just does it because it's her personality and you can do nothing to change it. 

They say, love is such a wonderful feeling then i don't know what to call ours, at first it was a wonderful feeling. I am trying to convince myself that I must accept her because people change and change is constant in life, she is everything to me. I love her with all my heart, without anything left for myself that I am nothing without her. she just came and made me a happy for a moment and now I live in tears, pains and frustrations.

I couldn't think good enough. What to do and what I must not do. What I have done in my life, I nearly ruined it just for a person whom I think could make me happy and complete without expecting that I nearly buried myself down because of my stupid feelings for her. I hate being in love with him. I hate myself for being such an idiot in front of her. She is nothing compared to me. But why do I look up at her like she is the world to me.

To think that there is much that is stored for me for my future I don't need her at all. It's just that these 1 year 8 months of spending my time with her, I used my heart, for I thought it's the only way to achieve happiness and fulfillment. Now that I realize it's not all and it's not the end I know I could move on by myself freely and full of self inspired dream. If I had feared to be alone then not now. I foresee that being alone must be fulfilling than being with someone who never realize your worth. I just wasted all the love that I have given her, but i don't regret loving her, even tho she hurt my feelings and made me look at myself a beggar asking for love, understanding and care. 

I must love and care for myself, for no one could do it other than me. Stay upright and take the path though it's not that easy, I know with God's loving guidance I could make it.