The thought of cut

I always wondered why people cut or hurt them self? i have seen movies or hear stories of people cutting them self's,  What was the intrigue in it? It never made sense to me. Was it to get attention or to prove something to someone? I just couldn't understand that. Why would you want to harm yourself just because of issues that can be resolved? Why scar yourself over someone who doesn't even know it, who doesn't even care? But then one day, I grew up. I fell in love and got hurt. I then realized the appeal to cut.

I have loved twice. My first love lasted for roughly few months or so. Getting over it felt impossible but it's true, time eventually heals everything. People say nothing can replace your first love. I disagree with them. You can fall in love again. But loving again is as good as having a death wish. When you fall in love for the second time, you love harder, stronger and with more passion because you already have lost one love in your life and you would never want to go through the same feeling again. You tend to become more vulnerable to pain. But then, why did I fall in love again when everything was so uncertain, when I knew that there might not be a happily ever after. Maybe I wasn't smart enough or maybe i believed she was really different and could be with me forever.

I guess I just decided to live in the moment. Because I didn't want to lose precious time over thinking about the future when I could be with her right now. I just wanted to be with her. She erased all the bad memories of the past. She showed me a brighter way. She was one in a million. Her eyes were so hypnotic that it was impossible for me to look away. Her smile was so innocent that it just made me want to smile along with her. I could just look at her for the rest of my life and not want any one else ever again. Her touch was so sensual that it made chills go down my spine. When ever her lips were against mine. she possessed my soul. The world would just fade away every time i was next to her.

This love made me feel complete again. But every love story has its flaws. Mine was less complicated, first with her family trying to break us apart but much more painful. She was also someone who was in love again for the second time. Everybody has their own way of processing feelings. But the worst was i had trust issues. I always felt insecure suspicious but she didn't mind that either She try as much to encourage me and assured me that she will never leave me because she was nothing like my past love. Nothing mattered to me as long as I had her. 

I didn't know how to deal with it. Every time I told her how much I loved her and feare losing her, she laughed and considered it as me being melodramatic, It hurt every time. Then one night the fear just became intense as I realized that time is running out fast. maybe one day she would move on from me when she find someone better. Maybe I'm just her rebound. The fear took over and just wouldn't go away. I couldn't tell her as I knew she wouldn't take it seriously and it would just make things worse. I just didn't know how to make the pain stop. I wanted her to hold me but I knew I couldn't have that. 
And i said to my self maybe i should do something to hurt myself. It's just to get hold of myself because nobody knows what I am going through. Nobody realizes how shattered I am on the inside. It isn't always to get attention. Some times, it is just a way to express myself. Because know one is there to listen. It's to know that no one can hurt me as bad as i can hurt myself. It's a way of realizing that nobody cares and i just don't matter to any one. It's to let go of things i have trouble dealing with. It just often prevents me from killing ourselves. I guess it's better to be scarred than being dead. With every scar i create, it's another story untold, another feeling kept hidden, another fear that i just couldn't over come...