Forever love her

As I write this, it is mostly just reflections and memories of certain moments in my life that for some unanswerable reason I remember. Most of these things don't make sense to me, and so I want to create this blog and hope it will lead me to some conclusion.
First, I'd like to state some things about myself. I talk, a lot. I think, from an outside perspective, that is the most prominent trate of myself. Unfortunately, that is not only the biggest trate, but the first to be shown. Most people meet me because I strike some sort of conversation that doesn't make any sense and people are taken aback. I'm generally a friendly person (haha I feel as though I'm writing an advertisement on myself) and I like to laugh a lot. I am very opinionated. I am writing this blog because there is one event that prominently changed my life. people only know so much about me. It is important to have secrets? well i have learnt not to trust those around you, but rather exposing your information to strangers so that they can judge freely and you cannot get hurt. Granted, if someone finds this who I do care about, I am in trouble.
I want to get around to actually explaining said event that changed my life completely. I fell in love. It might be cliche. I realize and understand that; I'm sorry if you're one of the people that cliches bother. I did not mean to insult you. Cliches bother me too. And that is why it is a challenge to write this; I realize my life is one big cliche. So finally, after a brief summary of myself (and it was very brief, but I hope the rest of the article has given you an idea of who I am), I am ready to get to the point.
A year and eight months ago I fell in love with a young girl, she is beautiful, smart, funny and friendly girl. It was a nice, happy love that really no one could match. she is younger than me. just like they say when you love someone, age, weight, height, distance is just a number
Some say she was too young to understand love. That is a desperate, untrue statement. People only state this because they themselves have not experienced such a strong, complex feeling that they can truly believe in.
It all started from a phone app, we where communicating with a chat app, while she was in high school and i was in collage, i was very much happy that i have a friend in that app chat but i was not really concentrating on her as much as i should, i just thought of her as an ordinary friend, as time passed i stared feeling comfortable with her ans slowly had feelings that a person have for someone special the we decided that it was time to meet for our first date, we all had it planed, but i was so nervous. when i first saw her waiting for me, i was like, OMG, she is beautiful with her cute smiles when she saw me coming out from the car and my heart started beating fast like a racing horse, yes my heart did beat fast and for some minuets i was speechless because and all i could do was look at her with my mouth open but it was really a happy day for me we had a great time together a day i will was remember, a day i first i kissed and hold her hand.
through time she became my straight ad i lost weakness because she is my straight that is why i never had weakness, and i ask my self how on earth did i get so lucky to have a girl like you, this how the sweet part of our long stories started, we decided to make it official, we could not hide the feelings anymore from each other, on weekend we could spend hours cuddling and talk about our future together how we want our life's to be, when we discuss plans for the future i was scared that she might have a different plan but everything she said was same as my future plans. i released how blessed i am to have her in my life,  but before i fall in love with her i had apply to a university in Canada which i was accepted to study mechanical engineering, it was when i was newly in love with her that my parents payed for me to go to Canada but i had to disappoint my parent by telling them that i could not go that i am happy here i am now, how could i go miles away from the girl i love, i know some or all of you way say this guy is foolish forgiving away his chance just for a girl and love. well i am and was so much in love with her that i could give up and do anything to always be beside her. I was hers and she was mine. In my mind, we were the perfect couple and i thought she felt the same way. She told me the sweetest things. she said I was the best thing that ever happened to her, she couldn't imagine life without me. she told me she doesn't know what she did to deserve someone like me. Life was great. We were inseparable...or so i thought. Months passed, and we grew more and more apart. She became distant, started flirting with other guys. It broke my heart, tore me to shreds, and left me remains to decompose. In my mind, I believed I couldn't go on. I cried, i screamed. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything. Well there is no more we...just me...alone in the dark world of depression and loneliness.
Her parents fount out about us, they where against the relationship because i am of a different race they think i was going to use there daughter and dump her, i understand what they feel, they tried everything to break us up but we never did, her parents threaten to do bad to me but she never gave up on me, they stop her from going back to school just keep her away from me and took her mobile but she found away to contact, i was living in fear and worried about her and my safety but i never gave up on her. they finally changed her to a different and distance school but we never stop loving her, we video everyday and chat everyday but the distance was killing us. she decided to lie to her parents that she broke up with me just to keep them away from us, but they where still watching her if she talks to me still.
After few months in her school she started acting different on me, when i try to find she told she was Okay, later then she told me she has a crush on a guy in her school but she need time from me to know what she want and she broke up with me, i could not take it, i was restless, could not sleep or eat, so i came up with a (what am about to say from here some of you will call me names for what i did but at the moment i was desperate to get my girl back which i later regret for doing it) the plan was to make he jealous and come cake to me, i had to create a fake facebook account with a female picture and i was using it to send my self facebook message and she has my facebook password, so when she goes in to my facebbook account she will see the message and will be jealous and it works and she came back to me saying she love me and was sorry.
few months later i found some changes in her again and  she was now talking to another guy, when i ask her she said she has falling out of love for me, i was confused then i said why did you then pretend to love me all this time you should have informed me so we could find a solution together, so the night she said met with this other new guy and he kissed her and she wanted to breakup with me, i was really heart broken that i could no do anything but cry,i told her we to find the solutions to this, after hours of talking to her, then she said alright, few days later she changed even more than before and she refused to tell me things going on in her life, so i needed to find out things my self so i pretended to be a girl and chat with the guy that has been talking to her to get get some information but the guy found out what i was trying to do and told my her and she was really angry at me that she asked me if this was the same facebook i use sometime ago to make her believing she still love me and jealous i had to say the truth and she was angry and broke up with me because i used the facebook account to make her run back to me, there was nothing i could do but to apologize but she said it was too late, i cried and begged her, after several hours of talking we agreed to start all over again but she told me she likes the other guy that i will have to fight to win her back, after that i was really broken, i needed to find my self back, if i should let go or win her back. i was gone for one week, when i finally got the answer i wanted i came back but then she said it was too late the she is already into the other guy, but still i was hungry to win the love of my life back, i was not ready to back down when she is told me she will not love me again, those words made me hungry to win her love back.

The happy guy

People always ask me what's going on in my head. It's not necessarily a bad thing, they say it jokingly for the fact that I'm always smiling, and acting crazy. Some people actually dare to believe that smile.

But what's really going on in my head? You wouldn't understand. It's empty. That boy on the outside that could make you burst out into a fit of laughter with one sentence is the one who is slowly tearing himself apart on the inside. If you were to read my mind it'd be filled with dark colors, lonely souls, and song lyrics. Yeah, I know, it's quiet in there with just some faint background music.

But it makes me content. And with the help of God, I know I'll be able to overcome this hatred toward myself. I just wish some people wouldn't have realized that too late. And it's my goal to save people. I was put on this earth to help people in one way or the other. I know it, even if I were only able to save one person in my entire life span, I'd still be able to die content.

I'm not going to specify what my true age is, but even for the short amount of time I've been living, I've noticed some people who have abandoned their life over something someone said or did. And it kills me to know that if I were to go down the same road that they did, I wouldn't have been able to serve as a purpose for anything. I want to help people, no matter what it takes, but I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Think of everything you'll be missing? Love, marriage, children, families, friends...music. And think about the fact that by living just a little longer could result in you changing the world? And if you think no one loves you, that's not true. Because there is always someone...even if you haven't met them yet.

Live life. Who cares what anyone thinks. Live your dreams, explore new places, and most of all, be who you are. Because there will always be someone who you can relate to. All you have to do is find them. And it might not be easy, but in the end,you'll be glad you waited. You have every right to live, no matter how tall or skinny you are, or even what gender. You will find you place in this world. I promise. And God forbid if I'm wrong, then you can be mad at me with everything you've got.

Enlightened

I feel so lonely; much realization came up in my mind. When you have been hurt a lot of times and suffered a lot of heart aches, you will just grow tired. Even though how strong your love for that person, it just changes when you will realize that the love and all your sacrifices were not well appreciated and reciprocated. 

It is a wonderful feeling when you dream of a happy future together. But it was equally a very painful feeling when you are just a few steps away from that dream, you will just realize that it wasn't all you wanted. It's not that you are looking or aiming for more. it's just that you are enlightened and it's just now that you had opened your eyes and got a clearer view of reality. Yes, I love her and I dreamed my future with her. But could I expect to be happy when all of a sudden you were bang with a reality that you are not everything for her. You are just a part of what she really wanted. Nothing was really a big deal if you are present in her life. All she just wants is her dream, her happiness and just her self.

How could you enjoy the moment with her, if all that was in her mind was maybe your faults, your mistakes and your shortcomings. How could you feel happy when all you hear were just complaints, painful words and rejection. Yes, she tells you a lot of times that she loves you but how could you believe it if all she do was to hurt you and put you down. You sometimes think that she just does it because it's her personality and you can do nothing to change it. 

They say, love is such a wonderful feeling then i don't know what to call ours, at first it was a wonderful feeling. I am trying to convince myself that I must accept her because people change and change is constant in life, she is everything to me. I love her with all my heart, without anything left for myself that I am nothing without her. she just came and made me a happy for a moment and now I live in tears, pains and frustrations.

I couldn't think good enough. What to do and what I must not do. What I have done in my life, I nearly ruined it just for a person whom I think could make me happy and complete without expecting that I nearly buried myself down because of my stupid feelings for her. I hate being in love with him. I hate myself for being such an idiot in front of her. She is nothing compared to me. But why do I look up at her like she is the world to me.

To think that there is much that is stored for me for my future I don't need her at all. It's just that these 1 year 8 months of spending my time with her, I used my heart, for I thought it's the only way to achieve happiness and fulfillment. Now that I realize it's not all and it's not the end I know I could move on by myself freely and full of self inspired dream. If I had feared to be alone then not now. I foresee that being alone must be fulfilling than being with someone who never realize your worth. I just wasted all the love that I have given her, but i don't regret loving her, even tho she hurt my feelings and made me look at myself a beggar asking for love, understanding and care. 

I must love and care for myself, for no one could do it other than me. Stay upright and take the path though it's not that easy, I know with God's loving guidance I could make it.

What if

I don't want to be invisible to you anymore, i want you to see me from your heart. What are you afraid of, i mean you painted the sky gree because you didn't think you can stay blue. but you can, you just need the right painter to paint it.
so what if i can turn your gree sky blue, what if i can make your body do things you never thought it could do, what if i bought all finest things in life and give to you, what if i take you to palaces you never been to, make you my wife and share my life and the love that money cant buy.
so why wont you give me a try. even when your head is going down i don't want to be out of place but if you need someone to keep you safe and warm, let me be that one to shelter you when it storm because i love you and you know it true, even though we bumple let us start over new.
i am asking you to give me one more chance to be your shoulder when you need to cry

I love you viv

The thought of cut

I always wondered why people cut or hurt them self? i have seen movies or hear stories of people cutting them self's,  What was the intrigue in it? It never made sense to me. Was it to get attention or to prove something to someone? I just couldn't understand that. Why would you want to harm yourself just because of issues that can be resolved? Why scar yourself over someone who doesn't even know it, who doesn't even care? But then one day, I grew up. I fell in love and got hurt. I then realized the appeal to cut.

I have loved twice. My first love lasted for roughly few months or so. Getting over it felt impossible but it's true, time eventually heals everything. People say nothing can replace your first love. I disagree with them. You can fall in love again. But loving again is as good as having a death wish. When you fall in love for the second time, you love harder, stronger and with more passion because you already have lost one love in your life and you would never want to go through the same feeling again. You tend to become more vulnerable to pain. But then, why did I fall in love again when everything was so uncertain, when I knew that there might not be a happily ever after. Maybe I wasn't smart enough or maybe i believed she was really different and could be with me forever.

I guess I just decided to live in the moment. Because I didn't want to lose precious time over thinking about the future when I could be with her right now. I just wanted to be with her. She erased all the bad memories of the past. She showed me a brighter way. She was one in a million. Her eyes were so hypnotic that it was impossible for me to look away. Her smile was so innocent that it just made me want to smile along with her. I could just look at her for the rest of my life and not want any one else ever again. Her touch was so sensual that it made chills go down my spine. When ever her lips were against mine. she possessed my soul. The world would just fade away every time i was next to her.

This love made me feel complete again. But every love story has its flaws. Mine was less complicated, first with her family trying to break us apart but much more painful. She was also someone who was in love again for the second time. Everybody has their own way of processing feelings. But the worst was i had trust issues. I always felt insecure suspicious but she didn't mind that either She try as much to encourage me and assured me that she will never leave me because she was nothing like my past love. Nothing mattered to me as long as I had her. 

I didn't know how to deal with it. Every time I told her how much I loved her and feare losing her, she laughed and considered it as me being melodramatic, It hurt every time. Then one night the fear just became intense as I realized that time is running out fast. maybe one day she would move on from me when she find someone better. Maybe I'm just her rebound. The fear took over and just wouldn't go away. I couldn't tell her as I knew she wouldn't take it seriously and it would just make things worse. I just didn't know how to make the pain stop. I wanted her to hold me but I knew I couldn't have that. 
And i said to my self maybe i should do something to hurt myself. It's just to get hold of myself because nobody knows what I am going through. Nobody realizes how shattered I am on the inside. It isn't always to get attention. Some times, it is just a way to express myself. Because know one is there to listen. It's to know that no one can hurt me as bad as i can hurt myself. It's a way of realizing that nobody cares and i just don't matter to any one. It's to let go of things i have trouble dealing with. It just often prevents me from killing ourselves. I guess it's better to be scarred than being dead. With every scar i create, it's another story untold, another feeling kept hidden, another fear that i just couldn't over come...

Is this reality

Is this reality? I can't believe what is happening to me. Why must you end up this way?
You stole my heart and now, you are breaking it. How could you be so mean to me?
I still feel and remember how you hug me and whisper to my ear, "Baby, if anything happen
to our relationship, promise me you won't give up on us." and you kissed my forehead.
From that moment, I suspect there's something bad going to happen either to you, or me. I guess, it's
true tho. Tears running down my cheek, the cheek that you've kissed before leaving it like a scar to me. As I was cleaning up my room, I saw our first picture together as couples. The picture we first took when we were cuddling . How I wish I can touch you again, your fine face, hear your heart beating when I hugged you and the most I want to see is..your smile and your laugh.
Crying as hard as I could won't solve the problem. But, what should I do? I can't let you go. I can't throw away our 1 years and 8 months of relationship.
Do you know how much I miss you? A lot of things running through my mind. The feeling of confused, anger and depressed. Maybe, by travelling overseas will make me forget you, erase all of the memories you left with me. Cold night, lonely in the dark, it feels like a doll that have been used and thrown away. It seems like I can't stop myself from crying. After whipping all of my tears, I still crying like how baby miss their pacifier.From far, I can see some couple spending their time together like there's no tomorrow. Am I useless to you? Do you feel like I don't give enough of my love for you? So many questions in my mind now. You could chase after me, and explain to me, but it seems like you don't care. Each time my phone beep~ I glance at it, hoping to see your name on my phone screen.
I know! I was being so stupid and dumb. Maybe i have wronged you or hurt you in one way or the other, But I know you're kind enough to give me another chance. Maybe this is what I experience when when you love someone so much. Maybe this is my reward for being nice.
I really miss you, sometime i sense someone walking to me, i felt it was you, the girl I have been waiting.You hugged me so tight, tight that you make me feel like I'm you pillow. I close my eyes, dream that we can last forever but when I open my eyes, you...you are not here. I was dreaming...that you would come to me. And again I cried leaving like a bucket full of tears. One thing I wish I could have right now is I just want to hold you, touch you, feel you, believe you, and I miss you....

I miss her

All this time, months apart ..I have missed her smile, the way she used to make me laugh just by being there, the way she made me fall in love with her without a single effort this is the only thing she was good at. Circumstances were tough and I could't be with her but also couldn't forget her. I have tried so many times but can't get her out of my mind cause every single detail in my daily life reminds me of her.

Sometimes I pretend being assertive and try to move on with my life but in vain. I always wonder what she is doing? who is she with? does she even miss me? these questions are killing me , her absence is killing me but I just can't call her and say those words to her there were times I dialed her number and tried to call but I failed miserably, I can"t confront her just can't. I know she is a good person but it just wasn't a good timing the whole world was against us and I didn't fight for us enough nor did she.

what hurts me the most is that I have never got the chance to tell her this, she left without a goodbye and never bothered to ask if I'm fine or not, If I'm still alive or not, maybe we're not meant to be together but it's tearing me apart. It's been  months now and I can't forget her and i keeping praying and hoping she comes back home to me. she is always with me. I always feel her close to me. She is the best thing ever happened to me but everything was quick it's like everything occurred in a blink of an eye and the worse thing is that I realized that I love her after leaving each other and I wanted that. I wanted some time to think and clear my mind. I regret for going away for one week it hurt so bad,  I'm in pain right now I feel that my heart is torn apart and I hurt myself a lot trying to put it all back together. My life is empty, my heart is empty and I don't know how to heal I don't know how to move on and let her go. I'm fed up trying over and over and failing. I want my life back, i want her back ..